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PROGRAM:

NAME

condom - protection against viruses and prevention of child processes

SYNOPSIS

condom [options] [processid]

DESCRIPTION

condom provides protection against System Transmitted Viruses (STVs) that may invade your
system. Although the spread of such viruses across a network can only be abated by aware
and cautious users, condom is the only highly effective means of preventing viruses from
entering your system (see celibacy(1)). Any data passed to condom by the protected
process will be blocked, as specified by the value of the -s option (see OPTIONS below).
condom is known to defend against the following viruses and other malicious afflictions:

· AIDS
· Herpes Simplex (genital varieties)
· Syphilis
· Crabs
· Genital warts
· Gonhorrea
· Chlamydia
· Michelangelo
· Jerusalem

When used alone or in conjunction with pill(1), sponge(1), foam(1), and/or setiud(3),
condom also prevents the conception of a child process. If invoked from within a
synchronous process, condom has, by default, an 80% chance of preventing the external
processes from becoming parent processes (see the -s option below). When other process
contraceptives are used, the chance of preventing a child process from being forked
becomes much greater. See pill(1), sponge(1), foam(1), and setiud(3) for more
information.

If no options are given, the current user's login process (as determined by the
environment variable USER) is protected with a Trojan rough-cut latex condom without a
reservoir tip. The optional ``processid'' argument is an integer specifying the process
to protect.

NOTE: condom may only be used with a hard disk. condom will terminate abnormally with
exit code -1 if used with a floppy disk (see DIAGNOSTICS below).

OPTIONS

The following options may be given to condom:

-b brand
brands are as follows:

trojan (default)
ramses
sheik
goldcoin
fourex

-m material
The valid materials are:

latex (default)
saranwrap
membrane
WARNING! The membrane option is not endorsed by the System Administrator
General as an effective barrier against certain viruses. It is supported
only for the sake of tradition.

-f flavor
The following flavors are currently supported:

plain (default)
apple
banana
cherry
cinnamon
licorice
orange
peppermint
raspberry
spearmint
strawberry

-r Toggle reservoir tip (default is no reservoir tip)

-s strength
strength is an integer between 20 and 100 specifying the resilience of condom
against data passed to condom by the protected process. Using a larger value of
strength increases condom's protective abilities, but also reduces interprocess
communication. A smaller value of strength increases interprocess communication,
but also increases the likelihood of a security breach. An extremely vigorous
process or one passing an enormous amount of data to condom will increase the
chance of condom's failure. The default strength is 80%.

-t texture
Valid textures are:

rough (default)
ribbed
bumps
lubricated
(provides smoother interaction between processes)

WARNING: The use of an external application to condom in order to reduce friction between
processes has been proven in benchmark tests to decrease condom's strength factor! If
execution speed is important to your process, use the ``-t lubricated'' option.

DIAGNOSTICS

condom terminates with one of the following exit codes:

-1 An attempt was made to use condom on a floppy disk.

0 condom exited successfully (no data was passed to the synchronous process).

1 condom failed and data was allowed through. The danger of transmission of an STV
or the forking of a child process is inversely proportional to the number of other
protections employed and is directly proportional to the ages of the processes
involved.

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